I feel like sometimes having fibromyalgia means making peace with my condition and what it takes to deal with it over and over again. I think this is because the condition is so variable and can impact me in different ways at different times. Maybe it’s also because I don’t want to admit to or deal with my condition some days. I never can ignore it for very long, but I can’t resist the temptation to try to sometimes.
For instance, I just woke up from a nap. I feel like I’ve been coming to terms with my feelings surrounding my need for naps and rest during the day for five years now. Some days I can’t stand that I have to rest and some days I can accept–and even appreciate– it.
I think I was asleep for thirty minutes, but I’m not sure. I know I was lying down for about an hour. Sometimes I lay down for a nap and then I wait and wait and wait until sleep comes. So then I have to take out both the minutes asleep and the minutes it takes to get to sleep from my day. And then after I wake up I have to wait for ten or fifteen minutes to really feel like I’m awake again. That’s the main reason I resent having to taking naps some days–it just takes time and hate feeling like I’m losing time.
Today the nap took about an hour, however that time was divided between sleep and trying to get sleep. I didn’t really resent it today because I knew I needed the rest. I stayed up later than I had wanted last night reading before bed (the book is called Memory of Water by Emmi Itaranta, and I’ll write a little about it when I’m done) and then I fit in a lot earlier today–babysitting in the morning and then a whole bunch of errands between noon and two-thirty. And I think I’m still recovering from exercise I did on Sunday that took more out of me than I thought it would–sometimes you can prepare and rest afterward but fibromyalgia still gets you– and yesterday was a big day, too. So I don’t really resent the nap I had to take this afternoon. Yes, I did have to give up an hour, but I needed the rest in order to make it through the rest of the day and I had to take it in order to recover from doing things I wanted to do.
So I can be okay with taking the time as long as it helps me feel at least a little better, and I can still can get done what I need to get done. The tricky thing is being okay with needing rest when it takes away from my day and I can’t get everything done that I need to get done. But that’s a post for another day.