For some reason I’ve been so tired the last three weeks or so. Actually for some reason is probably not correct–it’s probably because on weeknights I go to sleep between ten and ten-thirty and then I wake up at six-thirty and that is sometimes not enough sleep for me. Plus, the weather is getting cooler, the light is starting to slant differently, and I hadn’t been doing too much exercise due to my mangled toenails. Now that they’re healing nicely, I’m getting back in the yoga and bike-riding groove.
So because of all of those reasons (and possibly more since we’re talking about fibro), I have end up taking a nap most afternoons these past three or four weeks. Sometimes I’m okay with that and know that I need it. But sometimes I think “I’m gonna go waste another hour.” Obviously I know that resting isn’t wasting time since my body needs the rest, and I usually refuse to give in the puritanical tyranny of the anti-nappers who think that the need for sleep is a sign of weakness (these are the same people who think you should be getting up at six or otherwise you’re a lazy bum). I’ve always been a big sleeper, even before the fibromyalgia descended, and people would blame that on being a teenager or a college student and then the stress of being a full time teacher. But I used to be able to do so much more, even though I needed a lot of sleep.
And sometimes I can’t keep things in perspective–I just want to do more. I know I have fibro, and I know the world won’t end if I do it later or tomorrow and get some sleep today, but I still just want to do more. (And there is always so much more to do. I mean, just house chores can feel overwhelming sometimes. On top of everything else I have and want to do.)
So I’m trying not to resent my afternoon oblivion (how I think of my naps when I’m feeling resentful of them), but it’s hard not to sometimes. I’m only human. Sometimes I can be enlightened and keep these things in perspective. And sometimes I just want to complain.