I’ve been writing this in my head since Sunday, but I haven’t been able to sit down and write it out until now. I was busy, I was tired, I was sleeping instead.
Sleep is one of my best friends now that I have fibromyalgia. I’ve always needed a good nine or ten hours of sleep, but now getting that sleep helps me feel functional and helps keep the pain at bay and is especially important.
But sometimes sleep gets in the way.
Especially on those days when I wake up and already feel defeated. Sunday was one of those days. Saturday had been long and full of family activities, and I had to wake up earlier than I wanted to on Sunday morning. I could have used another hour of sleep, but I needed to be up, so I got up, fighting the small aches and pains of fibromyalgia.
By one o’clock I was fighting sleep. I was feeling like a zombie, like I was at the bottom of the ocean and fighting to stay conscious. I fought it for about twenty minutes and then went outside to help my husband clean up the backyard, which we haven’t done in a few months because of winter temperatures. I was able to do a little bit of cleaning and weed fighting (the darn things are already growing back), but after about fifteen minutes I couldn’t anymore so I had to go back in and take a nap.
I love sleep, but not when it compels me, when I can’t do anything else because it knocks me out and I’m helpless to fight it. I ended up needing an hour of sleep. Luckily, my husband was understanding and said, “Get your sleep.” He finished the clean-up and if he felt bad about doing it by himself he didn’t say anything.
I, of course, felt bad. Because my body was feeling bad and even after that hour of sleep it took awhile for my body to feel like I could do anything. Because I wasn’t able to keep up my end of the yard work. Because I really resented the time that sleep took out of my day. Because all of the things I needed to do that afternoon got shifted to that evening or the next day.
Because sometimes fibromyalgia is darn inconvenient and there is nothing to do but give into it.