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Sunday night I was lying on the futon with my legs stretched out long. My poor husband was trying to sit comfortably, but I was hogging the space. He let it go for about ten minutes but then he was like come on, I want to sit comfortably, so I had to sit up. I wanted to recline and stretch my legs out long because I had an ache along the front of my shin bone, from foot to my knee. Logically, I know this is because I took a 14 mile bike ride yesterday morning and then did battle against the weeds in the backyard for a few minutes in the early evening. And because I didn’t take a nap and because I have fibromyalgia.

But I always end up wondering, is it really fribromyalgia? What if it’s something else and I’m ignoring a serious problem until it’s too late? For instance, what if it’s bone cancer or luekemia or a blood clot? That voice of overreaction is the voice of my mother and my tias right there. They are like my nerves in that way–over-reactive. A bloody nose can’t just be from the dry air; it’s a bloody nose from your brain falling out through your sinuses. And I have a difficult time shutting off that vocie because sometimes it’s my voice, too.

I know that ache probably wasn’t anything other than an after-exercise-not-enough-sleep ache (in fact, today there is no ache there), but still I worry. Fibromyalgia makes you aware of your body in ways you weren’t before. I never much noticed what my legs or arms or shoulders were doing as long as they were moving how I wanted them to and they were not in pain. Now there’s usually some sort of pain somewhere so I’m aware. Usually I think this is a good thing and something that is a good coping method startegy when you have fibro—knowing when to rest and when to push yourself and how much to do without hurting the next day. But sometimes I think it can be too much thinking and awareness. It’s like graduate school that way.

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